Billy S. left me a voicemail last night. It was an uncomfortable and awkward listening experience at 11pm last night and equally as strange this morning on the bus. Five minutes of mopey-dopey apologizing and rationalizing got me thinking…
What is it with these guys?
But first, what is it with me?
Let’s look to a conversation I recently had with a coworker:
Coworker has been hounding me for a date for months. At first I was gently, and simply avoided discussing the topic. Still, he persisted and after several passive-aggressive moves on my part, I finally just broke down and considered myself to be out of his league (I didn’t specify whether I was under or over it, however.) After my incredibly obvious outburst, he subsided, and I thought the chase was over.
Wrong-o.
I was giving Coworker a ride home on Tuesday night, and as he was getting out of the car, he asked if I wanted to come in. Of course, I said no. So he hounded me – “Why, why, why, why, why?”
So I told him why:
“______,” I said, “I have absolutely no interest in you. I don’t find you attractive. I don’t find you interesting. I work with you, and that’s it. You’re a good person, but I’m not going to sleep with you. I also don’t approve of your fucking a married woman. That’s just gross.”
He replied with, “Don’t go pointing fingers if your hands are dirty,” and went on to make commentary about my unremarkable, yet unchaste sexual reputation.
Sensing that it was game on, I launched into a highly charged rant about the unimportance of sex as a meaningful device, and how I only used it as a way to make fake connections..to avoid forming real ones, and that I had no reason or desire to form the pretense of intimacy with him whatsoever.
Car door slammed, conversation over.
Now, back to what is wrong with me – nothing.I am an full possession of my faculties and reasoning, and if I choose sex as an interpersonal buffer, shouldn’t that be respectable, or at least understandable?
Obviously, it isn’t, because Billy S. is still under the impression that there is some undercurrent of love in my new found animosity. Yes, Billy buddy, I thought the world of you when we fucked in my car, but that doesn’t mean I was doing it because I loved you. I was doing it because it because physical nakedness is more convenient that emotional nudity. And now, now that you have stomped all over what little intimacy we shared…man, fuck that shit!